Learning how to ask for help

Yesterday, I argued that "more math and science" is not what is missing in our school systems.

Today, let me start to get clearer on what should be in the curriculum instead.

One thing I'm sure would be a great help is a competency in "Asking for help." This seems to be something that should be taught, learned, and mastered by the end of first grade, and then strengthened each year after that.

It's puzzling whether we simply assume that it is obvious HOW to ask for help, and it is also obvious to everyone what kind of things need to be in place in advance to make it POSSIBLE, or better still LIKELY, or even better still, CERTAIN, that, when assistance would be of value, you actually DO ask for it AND GET IT, at a reasonable price.

Let's assume, for example, that you are playing ball and the ball goes over the fence and lands next to someone standing outside the fence. Most people are pretty good and comfortable at yelling "Little help?" or some such phrase, expecting the person outside the fence to stop what they are doing, even if they don't know you from Adam, and bending over to fetch the ball and throw it back to you. It's something we would easily do for others if asked. This much is clearly WITHIN our sort of radius of action.

What defines the limits of that radius of action, however? What's included in it? How much are we capable of asking of and getting from, say, a total stranger? And why do we settle for this limit, as opposed to working routinely to expand it?

Suppose your car, with a manual transmission that can be roll-started on a hill, is at the top of a large hill, but slightly down a driveway from the road. If only you could get 3 or 4 people to come push you four feet up the very slight incline, you could then roll down the large hill and get it started and moving. Could you walk over to a neighboring street or store or tavern and persuade 4 people you've never seen before, and can't pay (say) to come assist you? Would this be likely or unlikely? Would it be easy or hard to do? Is it "unthinkable" or can't you imagine NOT doing it and succeeding?

Or would your only alternative that you can imagine be calling AAA and paying them to tow your car, or to jump start it? Have you institutionalized an inability to utilize the ocean of potentilal help that is all around you, and replaced a small part of it with some service agreement you must pay for?

• Clearly, some people are better at this than others.
• Clearly, there are some real advantages in being able to do this.
• Clearly, if you are confident that you can persuade people around you to help you out, not only is life easier, but the number of places you can dare to go, and the types of things you can dare to gry is much larger.
• Clearly, all the way THROUGH school, it would be great if, every time you needed help on something, you could manage to rustle it up and recruit it and get it.
  

So, then, my very serious question is, why isn't this taught in Western school systems?

What is going on that our school system spends months, if not years of teacher time attempting to teach you algebra, and spends zero minutes on attempting to teach you how to recruit helpers when you need them?

Let me skip ahead and head off certain answers to this question. First, "it's hard" is not an answer. Heck, algebra is hard, but that doesn't stop them from trying to teach it.

No, I'll contend here, and ask you to consider, that Western society is so deeply committed to "rugged individualism" that the omnipresent "THEY" consider it to be an error, a character flaw, perhaps even a fault or sin, to ask for help. We hear the unspoken (or spoken?) message that "We just don't do that."

Huh? Why is it OK to ask for help retrieving a baseball, but it is NOT OK asking for help on how to do problem 5 on the homework assignment? What's the difference here?

And, let me leap ahead a few years, until after college, when everyone is on a work team that is supposed to accomplish a task or carry out a mission, and you realize you don't know how, exactly, to accomplish something that you really should do, but might be able to get away with faking or punting on. Will you be comfortable reaching the better solution, by asking for help? Or will you do your best to cover up your failing, your flaw, your inability to "do your own job" and fake it, perhaps fraudulently saying you did it, or perhaps fraudulently hoping that no one asks, since, you know, it's not exactly lying if no one asks.... is it?

I've run teams of professionals charged with serious missions, and this problem was one of the most central issues, consistently, in getting the mission accomplished. People in the work force do not know how to say "I don't know". They are not trained to say "I need help" and get it. If the situation is novel and the ball goes beyond their reach or easy access, they are MORE LIKELY today to rationalize like crazy about why they didn't really need that ball, than they are to successfully look for, find, and get the assistance that would get the job done CORRECTLY the first time.

It is not possible, in fact, to build a high-reliability team out of people who behave that way.

We seem to have an entire society of people who were given such normative training, and consistently had the lesson reinforced in their minds that it is NOT OK for them to go seek help when the realization arises that they are unable to complete their task efficiently without it.

This is a serious problem, not a minor issue. It also means that everyone is walking around with a secret, silent terror in their heart that one day they will slip up, and their weak areas will become visible, and then, oh my God, ....

It means some of those people go on to become managers, or hold political office, or become military officers -- carrying with them the habit of covering up their own weaknesses, and consistently doing their best to avoid tackling any area that might reveal their terrible secret and ignorance to others. In reality, we know how this plays out --- their weaknesses and errors are incredibly visible to everyone else EXCEPT the manager or officer involved. Tasks, projects, even entire industries go down the drain and fail when they could have been saved and succeeded if only the person or persons in charge had been open about saying "I don't know" or "This is out of my ability to deal with" followed with, "... so here's what I"m doing to recruit those who can help me get this done", and doing it.

I started this post and will end it with the same assertion, that it is MORE important to our childrens education that they learn how to ask for and get help when they should, than that they learn algebra.

If there is not time for both in the curriculum, then we should drop the algebra, not the social skills.

In a future post, perhaps even in an hour, I want to deal with a second suggestion for the mandatory required courses and mastery learning in our school system -- "How to make friends." I will assert again that the average student who graduates from high school, or college in the USA has poor skills, if not outright illiteracy, in the area of "How to make a new, good friend."

I will also assert that the average student who DROPS OUT of school is even more likely, if not certain, to be a person who doesn't know how to ask for help, and doesn't know how to make friends.

Once again, we, the elders, the wise ones, the creators of requirements, bitch and moan about the students' inability to master algebra, but offer them no training in the social skills that would fix the problems for us. Instead, we are baffled as we keep running into push-back, resistance, resentment, and then violence if not outright homicide, in our schools -- almost always by people who are in desperate need of social skills and get no help from us.

Again, I will say, "more math and science" is NOT what is missing.